How ADHD Impacts Intimate Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

3. Impulse Control/Adrenaline Behaviour
Those with ADHD seek novelty and experiences which provide dopamine. This can sometimes look like impulsive and unpredictable behaviour, including spending, or poor planning. Impulsivity can strain relationships by creating a sense of instability, mistrust, or lack of safety.

4. Executive Functioning

Executive functioning relates to mental skills such as working memory, emotional regulation, impulse control, and planning, that is situated in our pre-frontal cortex. With ADHD, these functions can be dysregulated, leading to issues with organization, in addition to those mentioned above. In intimate relationships, this can look like uneven distribution of household tasks and responsibilities. The sense of imbalance can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, and resentment. These symptoms do not mean that adults with ADHD cannot develop and maintain healthy, stable, and positive relationships. Here are 4 ways couples can cope.

How Couples Can Cope
1. Knowledge and Separation
Individuals with ADHD want to be accepted and understood by their partners; as we all do. Separating the person from the symptoms allows partners to understand neurological systems and differences that contribute to their partners behaviours. Communicating with your partner on which areas of executive functioning is difficult, will also provide the opportunity for symptoms to be viewed as such, versus carelessness. This can shift a couple’s mindset into a cohesive problem-solving mindset.

2. Shared Systems
Due to concerns with working memory, couples can benefit from shared tools such as digital calendars, whiteboards, or connected task apps. These strategies can reduce friction over missed events or responsibilities. Bonus Tip: ADHD thrives off positive feedback. Highlight the times your partner completes a task, regardless of it being on the calendar. This recognition provides an opportunity to connect, increasing those feel-good hormones like dopamine for both partners.

3. Clear Communication
Using direct, non-judgemental communication like “I-statements” are effective in expressing needs and feelings in a clear and concise way. Short and specific statements are particularly effective, as it provides the necessary amount of information and reduces the likelihood of losing focus.

4. Therapy
Seeking ADHD specific couples therapy can be significantly effective in improving relationship satisfaction, and improve a couple’s ability to problem-solve together. Therapy can also support couples in identifying their individual strengths, and the strengths of their partners to improve a couples connection. ADHD can oftentimes bring spontaneity, humour, and creative problem-solving; all skills that add warmth and resilience to relationships. Relationships impacted by ADHD may require patience, creativity, and compassion; qualities that make any relationship thrive!

References
Huyunh-Hohnbaum, A., & Benowitz, S.M. (2023). Effects of adult ADHD on intimate partnerships. Journal of Family Social Work, 25(4-5), 169-184

Hirsch, O., Chavanon, M.L. & Christiansen, H. (2019). Emotional dysregulation subgroups in patients with adult Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): A cluster analytic approach. Scientific Report, 9,
5639.

Stern, A., Agnew-Blais, J., Danese, A., Fisher, H., Matthews, T., Polanczyk, G., Wertz, J., & Arseneault, L. (2020). Associations between ADHD and emotional problems from childhood to young adulthood: A
longitudinal genetically sensitive study. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 61(11), 1234-1242.

Verywell Mind. (2022). What does undiagnosed ADHD look like in adults?

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